my next step is into ... .. ..... ..

I'm already walking out onto the water for my future now. I just hope I don't sink. I'm applying to graduate schools for Fall '09 in Speech-Language Pathology.

I reference a biblical story I love like Peter Pan loves Neverland. And coincidentally (or not) the disciple who climbs out of the boat to walk to Jesus across the water is also named Peter. Whether you believe this story literally, figuratively, or even as a folk tale, the message of doing something you can't believe you can do is pertinent to all opinions. It wouldn't matter to me if I were on that boat and everyone else knew that I could walk on water. What would matter, and this is the only thing, is that I believed, even in the slightest, that I could do it. Faith is allowing yourself to have the tiniest speck of hope that what you can't see, understand, or imagine, could be real, could happen.

This yacht illustrates the size of my faith that my purpose in life will work out, and with my efforts I will steer in the direction of my skills and desires. However, my faith in knowing exactly where I should gravitate, each time I need to reposition myself, is not visible in this photo by the naked eye. My faith would actually be the size of an oxygen molecule in the air. And that's on a good day. Most days my faith is like the needle in the haystack, except I'm confident that there is no needle after all.

Those are the thoughts that surface now. I can hardly shake the pictures of rejection letters pouring in next Spring after admissions departments review scores of application packets.
I cannot say that I don't mean to sound pessimistic for I am purposely sitting here sharing my fears in just simply applying to graduate school. Let's save all the worries of relocation, loans, work, etc. for beyond the horizon, somewhere over the rainbow. But even with the fears I'm going to go for it anyway. I'm going to apply for the things I want the most. Cue inspirational symphony music with bold kettle drums pounding and staccato trumpets forging the way.

So if you must take pity on me and want to encourage me, please pray for me. I've talked about these things with professors, family, friends, and nothing has dashed the intrusive, looming doubts. I've had to defend my jobs and education choices as though I was incapable of plotting a course for my life. All of those conversations have in some way benefited me and I appreciate them, but all I need now is God's reassurance that I will not be left with nothing. That there will be a purpose connecting all the dots of my studies and jobs together. That failure or success does not define me, they are only things that happen and pass.